Gratitude Diary 5
I am sitting opposite my counsellor, not just crying but sobbing with unstoppable force. Her head is tilted, eyes softened, with the helpless sympathy of a woman who just doesn’t know what to do. It’s eighteen months ago. She nudges the box of tissues towards me, but I’m crying too much to reach out to them. The waves of despair hit me over and over again, and I genuinely can’t stop. The panic is rising, because I might die here, of crying. Has anyone ever died of crying before? But I can’t stop, and surely the only end to this level of grief is death. I’m going to drown in my own tears while the sun shines in through the window and my counsellor looks on.
Six months before, I had discovered that the man who brought me up, whom I trusted and loved more than anyone, whom I idolised and emulated as a child, was a prolific child abuser. My world caved in. I caved in. I was immobilised by grief, but unavoidably, life goes on. I was now learning to put one foot in front of the other, to be in the world again and cope. I hadn’t been in this terrifying emotional state for a while, and yet it was more intense than ever. I was a heroin addict overdosing on a single hit after a period of abstinence. This last explosion of emotion was going to steal the life from me. I had been getting better. I thought I had been getting better. I thought I could cope. And now I was back to the beginning again.
“Close your eyes,” she whispers.
I take a deep, helpless breath, but I trust her, so I do as she says. I close my eyes.
“You’re in the river,” she says. “It’s choppy, too choppy, wild. It’s throwing you around. You’re drowning.”
What the hell is she trying to do? My panic intensifies, grows colour around it, as I’m thrown around by the unyielding current. How is this helping?
“You try to reach out, but there’s nothing to save you. The current is too strong and you are powerless. The flow gathers momentum, rushes over you, forcing you under.”
This is it. This is the moment that I might actually die. A fresh wave of despair hits me. I’m dying.
“Now, all at once, you use all of your force to jump out of the river. You’re standing on the bank looking down at the chaos. The water is thrashing and foaming, splintered branches are dragged along by the fierce current, but you are safe. You can feel the earth beneath your feet, the grass between your toes. It’s all still there, but you are no longer in it. You are safe.”
Unimaginably, the most incredible feeling overtook me even as she told me to jump out of the river. I gasped as if I had been underwater and was breaking the surface. And then, unbelievably, I was calm, genuinely calm, my tears drying in an instant. The river was still as hungry for me as it had been before, still raging and snarling with promises of death, but I was out of it. As she said, I was safe.
Breaking free of the river was such an incredible, visceral lesson, exemplifying something that I knew intellectually and had experienced through meditation, but I had never felt it with as much force. In meditation, we learn that we are not our thoughts; we are the thinker of our thoughts. Cross-legged, we close our eyes, free our mind and become the observer of the endless dialogue running through our minds, committing to simply watching thoughts drift past without judgement, without engaging with them. Eventually, the mind calms, the thoughts become fewer and further between, and if we’re lucky, we eventually find the silence.
This gives us incredible freedom from the unwelcome and spiralling thoughts that keep us awake at night, or simply from the inane chatter of our monkey minds that will prattle on endlessly and repetitively if left unchecked – about bills and shopping lists, about what the woman in Sainbury’s really meant by what she said to me last week by the checkouts.
That day with my counsellor, I was presented with a new revelation. We are not our emotions either. Just as we are the thinker of our thoughts, we are the feelers of our emotions. Just as we can distance ourselves and even control the spaghetti junction in our heads, with practice, we can step back from our emotions and return to our calm centre, even when they are overwhelming, even when we think we might die of the pain or anger, the sorrow or grief. As far as revelations go, it’s a biggie.
I am grateful that this powerful experience and realisation came to mind this week because I can feel the first signs of anxiety and depression scratching at the door again. I have been writing a memoir about my experiences over the last two years, which has brought old emotions to the surface, and although I’m trying to stay positive, like most people, I’m struggling with lockdown. So, this week I’m grateful to have simply remembered that the river exists – no more, no less. I can’t pretend to have mastery in this area, but the option to feel the cool, solid earth under my feet, respite from the chaotic emotions I am currently feeling, if only for a short while, is a welcome one … to be able to breathe again.
Follow Hayley Shaw, Ghostwriter and Creative Writing Teacher … @hayleystories